my immortal

you know... i don't particularly enjoy evanescence. but this song just gets me.

i posted this song on myspace about 4 years ago to describe how i was feeling at the time... and it still resonates.

i miss my best friend. i miss the idea of having someone who knows and understands me as well as he did who will not go away no matter how hard i try to sabotage myself.

for the short time i knew him he managed to inspire me so much and shape me into the person i am. and his memory continues to remind me of the person that i want/hope to be.


my immortal
by evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

oh, we're still the greatest...

i am obsessed with this song...

sex on fire
by kings of leon

Lay where you're laying
Don't make a sound
I know they're watching
They're watching

All the commotion
The kiddie like play
Has people talking
Talking

You
Your sex is on fire

Dark of the alley
The breaking of day
Head while I'm driving
I'm driving

Soft lips are open
Them nuckles is pale
Feels like you're dying
Your dying

You
Your sex is on fire
And so
Were the words to transpire

Hot as a fever
Rattling bones
I could just taste it
Taste it

But it's not forever
But it's just tonight
Oh we're still the greatest
The greatest
The greatest

You
Your sex is on fire
You
Your sex is on fire

And so
Were the words to transpire

And you
Your sex is on fire
And so
Were the words to transpire

:)

so you think you could tell... a smile from a veil?

wish you were here
by: pink floyd

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.


ok... i'll admit... i suck on guitar. i really just try to be able to immitate any fragment of music that means something to me... including this song. this is what i have so far...


Tuning: EADGBe

h - hammer on
p - pull off
b - bend string up
/ - slide up
\ - slide down
x - play 'note' with heavy damping


Intro:
Strum a few Times Strum a few Times
^V^ ^V^
e---------------------3-------------------3---|
B---------------------3-------------------3---|
G---------------------0-------0-----------0---|
D-------------0--2----0----2-----2--------0---| * 2
A------0h2------------2-------------------2---|
E---3-----------------x-------------------3---|

Strum a few Times Strum a few Times
^V^ ^V^
e---------------------3--------------------------------3---|
B---------------------3--------------------------------3---|
G---------------------0--------------------------------2---|
D-------------0--2----0------2-----0-------------------2---| * 2
A------0h2------------2------------------2-------0-----0---|
E---3-----------------x--------------------------------0---|




e---3---|
B---3---|
G---0---|
D---0---| ( Guitar 1 continues to play over the solo )
A---2---|
E---3---|

... and even so... playing a piece of music that someone else has written is only just flattery. or mockery. or idolatry. or any other kind of mimicry.

goodnight.

she looks like the real thing... she tastes like the real thing...

fake plastic trees
by radiohead

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth.
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself.
It wears her out, it wears her out It wears her out, it wears her out.
She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins.
And it wears him out, it wears him out.
It wears him out, it wears . . .

She looks like the real thing She tastes like the real thing My fake plastic love.
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run.
And it wears me out, it wears me out. It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time.
Oh, oh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
once upon a time i remember when i felt like a real girl.
now it seems like there is too much "life" to worry about to have real feelings about anything.
and it also seems like people no longer appreciate genuine feelings.
when did having feelings get in the way of people LIVING?
like we all walk through life like zombies wishing for something that we don't actually dish out.
maybe if i ate your brains then i'd know what you were thinking...
whatever... i guess things like thoughts, and feelings, are reserved for people like me who seem to be consistently dysthymic.
maybe one day i will find by eeyore and we'll make each other some happy asses.
until then... all i can do is hope to not get caught up in being fake or plastic.

i thank the lord for the people i have found

mona lisas and mad hatters
by elton john

And now I know
Spanish harlem are not just pretty words to say
I thought I knew
But now I know that rose trees never grow in new york city

Until youve seen this trash can dream come true
You stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the lord theres people out there like you
I thank the lord theres people out there like you

While mona lisas and mad hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they cant and that is why
They know not if its dark outside or light

This broadways got
Its got a lot of songs to sing
If I knew the tunes I might join in
Ill go my way alone
Grow my own, my own seeds shall be sown in new york city

Subways no way for a good man to go down
Rich man can ride and the hobo he can drown
And I thank the lord for the people I have found
I thank the lord for the people I have found

~~~~~

you know. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
i think about my life. and it's chapters.
because everyone has chapters if you really think about it.
what are yours?

perhaps mine would be...
chapter 1: conception, childhood, and innocence
chapter 2: mindless activities to please the masses
chapter 3: the breakup... of my parents and my ideologies
chapter 4: the reconciliation of self
chapter 5: love... it's grand
chapter 6: loss... it rips your heart out and makes you numb
chapter 7: crying
chapter 8: NOT crying... ever
chapter 9: wow, it'd be nice to be able to have emotions again
chapter 10: TBD... (2009?)

chapters may vary by state-of-mind and availability in certain states.

you know, it's pretty ironic that i am supposed to be a "therapist" of some sort, b/c you know what i would honestly say at this point to those who want my opinion? the honest truth? therapy is... i don't even know. therapy is simply advice/guidance for how to cover up your maladaptive symptoms to appear normal in the real world. NO ONE is "normal". i think it is safe to say everyone is "fucked up" in some way. but you know what? the only time we REALLY take a chance in this world is when we let people see us for who we really are. and is that soooooo bad? so i thank the lord for the people i have found like that. and i hope i continue to find them throughout my life.

when did i turn 24?

when did i turn 24?
i was just 11 not too long ago, you know.
i'm pretty sure that's the year i got my bass guitar.
that's also the year i think that my parents split, and i saw the smashing pumpkins for the first time.
you know, that's one of the ways i guage my lifetime.
that's the main way i guage my lifetime.
by music.

one winter morning at st. martin's i got my secret santa gift from kara layden.
it was "mellon collie and the infinite sadness" by the smashing pumpkins.
it had to have been 6th grade.
for my birthday that year i got tickets to go see the smashing pumpkins at US Air Arena.
i remember explicitly... my dad called me on the phone to tell me and i ran around the hall screaming excitedly.

i was just (insert age here) not too long ago, you know.
my dad took me to go see the capitals play at US Air Arena.
That was a fun time.
we went with a lady that he worked with, and her son... tripper?
tripper was afraid of the freeway.

it was not too long ago, you know, that i used to go bowling every sunday morning with my grampy.
that was probably around age 19.
i came back from lasalle and lived at home for a year while i commuted to UMD.
one morning when we were eating breakfast at the bowling alley i watched US Air Arena get demoed on the news.
i cried a little.
i thought of how beautiful it was to see all those lighters swaying in the darkness as i listened to billy corgan (or whoever) play the title track to open the show years before.
i thought of how fun it was to watch hockey with my dad.
it's gone now.
so is my grampy.

when i think of being 24 i think of only just yesterday being 17.
that was when i first fell in love.
that was the only time i think i've ever been IN love.
"just like heaven" was our song.
we actually had MULTIPLE songs.
i think that's what's it for me... if i have a song with someone.
we had a band, too.
third eye blind.
it seems too ironic.
chris died at age 24.
in a car crash.

and now i am 24.
sometimes i get hung up on where i am and where i am going.

i used to make tables when i was a kid.
i also liked to sketch... once i drew the fish from the cat and the hat and it looked JUST LIKE the fish in the book.
i used to write poetry.... EVERY DAY.
the last poem i wrote was for chris.
does that mean something?

when did i turn 24?
and what does this mean?
why is it that i care so much now about how my hair looks?
i never cared too much before.
i care about a lot of stupid shit now that i have never cared about before.
i can't decide if that is good or bad.

what do you think?

brain damage

i don't think i ever really LISTENED to this song until recently.


brain damage
by pink floyd
The lunatic is on the grass
The lunatic is on the grass
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs
Got to keep the loonies on the path

The lunatic is in the hall
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too
Ill see you on the dark side of the moon

The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me till Im sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
Theres someone in my head but its not me.

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band youre in starts playing different tunes
Ill see you on the dark side of the moon